Today, I'm a Britta. Yesterday, I was an Abed. Tomorrow, I hope to be more like Jesus.
No, I didn't make a typo mistake or refrence some slang version of the word "Brittish" and "Abed" is not my new muslim name. "Britta" and "Abed" are one of many characters in the comedy sitcom "Community". The show is based on a small community college's everyday student life. It's famous for radically stereotyping the different flavor of Americans that decide to go back to school, or obtain a degree at budget prices. It's days like today that I'm thankful for off-color humor based off of basic human flaws.
About 6 months ago, I landed on American soil for the first time in 11 months. I won't try to describe it in detail simply because the experience alone was so overwhelming, re-telling it would surely do me in. Instead, I want to speak on my reaction to it all, hence introducing the characters of "Community".
It seems like everyone is in agreeance that a year in missions is no easy task. But really, neither is a year in obedience. Living a life of obedience sometimes feels like any terrible cliche told to you so that you feel better about yourself or so your situation suddenly feels manageable and common. If it's like finding a needle in a haystack, I'd rather torch it down (even in a drought). If it's swimming against the current, then I'm finding a tube and grabbing a beverage. Obedience extends beyond our "easy" or "hard" experiences. Obedience stretches our abilities beyond their limits requiring it's surrender, NOT compliance. There were times on the Race when obedience was hard, but still backed by the encouraging nature of my "missionary" status so that I would do the "right thing".
This past year of missions was the most difficult experience in my life, until I came home. After the momentum of another country for another month died down, I realized that my motivation for obedience had left me. It rested in the nature of my circumstance, not the goodness of God. After a few months, the occassional church circumstance dwindled, and I altogether struggled to do what I knew was good and true. I misplaced myself.
On the show Community, each character enters the college in some manner of displacement. Abed cannot relate to anyone via emotion and feeling because of his Asperger's syndrome, therefore forcing him to use media entertainment as a gateway. Britta is a woman, embittered by her paranoid inferiority caused by her gender and a zealous advocat for all things injusticed. Troy doesn't want to let go of high school where he held some kind of control through popularity. Pierce is an old pervert, trying to maintain his youth by being technologically savvy. Shirly is a single, Christian mother struggling to maintain her faith and friendship with the others. Finally, the main character "Jeff" is a lying, selfish, manipulative father figure that actually cares for each character although trying so hard to stay cool and disconnected.
In each episode, the character live out their flaws amidst each other while slowly figuring out that beneath all that crap, goodness is waiting to be uncovered. Through their trials that only community can uncover, they realize that their humanity unites them.
Unfortunately, they have it all wrong.
Humanity does NOT unite us... grace does.
In the past 6 months, I've been as disconnected as Abed. I've stayed away from people, fearing I wouldn't "connect" with them since going on the trip. I've also have been as bitter as Britta, placing blame on myself and others in our culture as apathetic when it comes to injustice, yet have lacked compassion for my own people. I've been a selfish Jeff Winger, looking out for myself and desperately trying to rebuild my shoe collection. I've stuggled like Shirley to maintain my faith and friends. Like Troy, I don't fit in NEAR as well as before and Pierce... unfortunately "that's what she said" jokes have started to be funny to me too.
Although the world says my humanity unites me with the rest of our hell bound race, I stand today in disagreeance. Underneath all this crap is a woman made to fear the Lord. A woman that is not bitter, selfish, insecure, fearful of man, prideful, or perverted. I am a daughter of the most high, and today, I guess I just needed to write about it. :)
Every now and again it comes time to reintroduce yourself to who you REALLY are, and through Christ I am made pure and righteous. I'm grafted into the tree that breathes life and bears good fruit.
And now, I finished substituting and it's time to go home! THANKS FOR READING!
These are the true confessions of a
fake arranged married woman...
Here's the story.
Once upon a time, I was asked to squad
lead with Joshua Maisner, who at the time, I did NOT know at all! We spent very
little time with each other the first three months of the race due to ministry
placements. The extent of our knowledge was basically limited to me being a
dancing machine, and him ALWAYS making the perfect smiling face for any picture
ever taken.
Then... the day came when Kim, Kyla, and
Janina joined us in holy Squad Leading Matrimony. That's right. They arranged
us in our very own fake, arranged marriage.From that moment on, we inherited 60+ grown adult Americans, budgeting
finances together, making major decisions about where we travel, where we go
minister, how we discipline, communicating all of the above, and... worst of all...
when we ate, we even shared our dishes with each other.
Now, just to keep my bases clear... I am
not saying that we have a "dating" relationship. I can just hear somebody who neglected
to read the entire blog spreading around that me and Joshua dated the whole
race and are now getting married. HA! Not so much... keep reading.
Entering into a team dynamic that
mirrored a real marriage surprised me just as much as Joshua. Within the first
few months, we learned to "fight" (in non-married terms, that means to
disagree). We learned how to apologize. We learned that our communication was
the key to our survival! We learned that we had to WORK at our relationship so
that we could love our squad well.Arranged marriages are not made to necessarily enjoy the same tastes, or
because it's Vegas and the ceremony director looked like Elvis, or because
you'll make pretty babies together.
In India, a good friend of mine's
wedding was "arranged" by his and her community. The arranged couple knew each
other and shared their interest with their "mentors", for lack of a better
word. They all met, discussed the advantage of this union, and agreed. Then
entered into their vows knowing that they were not entitled to those words.
They began their marriage with the idea that it is in their collective hands'
power to WORK their vows into being.
My premise is this. Joshua and I KNEW
that our relationship, as co-squad leaders AND as friends, needed our
continuous effort. There were many situations where the stress and burden of
our particular calling contributed to our more dynamic conversations. Just because
we "got along", doesn't mean that we are exempt from the rough patches each
relationship will inevitably incur. THIS IS REAL LIFE. People disagree and
stuff happens, no matter HOW compatible they may be. It was here that God gave
me the most legit fake arranged marriage counseling money can't buy...
"Lia,
are you willing to choose to see his better when he only shows you his worst?"
OUCH JESUS. You did that for me,
didn't you? You said "I do" for ME when you married the church. You see my
worst, over and over again, but continue to call out what's best in me. You
still claim me as your daughter, even when my heart is a terrorist to your
love! Thank you for marrying my heart for my "better" that you placed there,
and also for the "worst" that comes with it.
God has used 8 months of squad leading
to teach me how to be a wife, the bride-groom of Christ, and a good friend.
Joshua and I are just normal people living life side by side. We see the good,
bad, and ugly... and because God continues to see our best among our worst, we do
the same in each other. It's our hearts to remind and inspire towards the good
and true placed in each other by God. Any fool can see the negative in another
person, but a wise man can show a fool that he is not one at all. (Not a proverb,
but still a good word!).
Without getting into how the world has
contorted marriage into a watered down version of an empty promise... there is a
standard set by our God and His love. It's one that reaches beyond the
constitution of marriage and into the realm of our faith and status of our
hearts. God is in it for the long-haul with you. He won't relent. He's the
24-hour suitor that causes you to blush with His sweet reminders of love. He's
just and doesn't play "games". He wants ALL of you, not just your
pretty-painted faces or your always-in-control reputation. He wants your messes
AND your trophies.
God wants you for better AND for
worst. That's the God-love that separates joy from happiness, abundance from
enough, and followers from believers.
SO... as a HUGE THANK YOU and a tribute
to my best friend, my co-squaddie, and partner-in-crime for the past 8 months...
Thank you, Joshua, for teaching me the
hard lessons on how to love, keeping your cool when I was not, and showing me
that my best is always worth putting up with my worst!I'll see you October/November!!!
AND... to my REAL future husband... I
can't wait to show you this love that God precociously taught me these past
months! He already has us in His favor! Thank you (in advance) for being a man
of patience, integrity, and boldness. You'll need ALL these things to live with
me... FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE! Your Button!
I'm sitting in my hotel room, BLESSED with air conditioning and two great roommates that have allowed silence to commence so these thoughts HAVE to land on my blog page instead of their ears, and I'm thinking...
I HAVEN'T WRITTEN A BLOG IN MONTHS.
Immediate conviction in the form of a hammer to my heart.
SO... it's time for the all inclusive update since my time in China, Thailand, and now... Malaysia.
I have realized that words are hard to place into an order these days. It's been one of the TOUGHEST tasks since China. It might be because of the expectations I had for certain countries, for this leg of the race, for my own growth.... I haven't nailed that one down yet. I've spent most of my days, watching, listening, and learning... and I can't WAIT to be able to explain what I have seen.
Though today is probably not that day.
The Race is not kind to our spiritual digestive systems, and as a squad leader, I can justifiably say that it's worse than any acid reflux of a typical Racer. As I head into my last month, I can feel my worn down edges beginning to give way to apathy, exhaustion, and self-retreat. They say it's normal for this time of the race... but I say otherwise.
God has called His people to GO and MAKE DISCIPLES. He didn't tell us how in a matter of words... He did MORE than that... HE WALKED IT OUT IN PERFECTION by means of His Son. Words can describe an experience. Words can combine themselves to paint a beautiful picture of an instance... BUT ACTION are words in motion. They become the patterns of a lifestyle.
When I answered the call into squad leading, God did not tell me, "Lia, will you go do this thing for me for the next 8 months or so... then you'll be done and I'll give you something else to do."
NO.
He said, "Go and make disciples... it just so happens to look like this today."
There is NO REASON to be exhausted by the LIFESTYLE God has called us to complete! He set the rhythm of work and rest PERFECTLY for our body, souls and mind. He has patterned us to be in NEED of Him. I do admit that the emotional exhaustion is real and accounted for, but even then... God made me to be fit for His calling! I accept what is real, but I refuse to lean on an excuse when God's good truth is just as accessible.
Sometime during my mid-Asian adventure, I gave into the false truth that this Race has worn me down. That my squad was too much and I had no gusto left to lead my people. Simple things became hard. Blogging was a distant thought. I was not proud to tell others what God was doing and so I retreated behind the "business" of squad leading. When time came for work to be done, I stepped into it and completed it as needed, justifying my lack of life by the "service" of squad leading. I allowed the "experience" to rob me of the joy that comes with living a lifestyle after Jesus Christ.
Needless to say... I needed to GET OVER MYSELF. The over-all problem with that is God get's robbed of HIS glory when we forget that it's about HIM!!!!
SO. Here I am. The later, more humbled, redirected, redeemed and refurbished, more true version of myself.
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT CHANGED MY ENTIRE STATE OF BEING?!?!?!
My team leaders. They took me and Joshua aside and reminded us of WHO WE ARE in the Kingdom. We spent a good 4 hours recapping the beauty in each others lives by means of God given words, testimony of each other's lives, sharing stories of how we have impacted each other, and mostly just praising the good work of our Daddy.
FRIENDS... it wasn't the poverty that made me get over myself. It wasn't the prostitutes in Patong, the dying babies in China, or the injustice of Malaysian government. IT'S THE EVERLASTING LOVE AND JOY THAT COMES FROM CHRIST JESUS and makes Himself real and known in OUR lives! It was my community, those living life beside me in unity under Jesus' blood. The "church", if you will. They were the ones that reminded me of truth because they LIVE truth daily. They were my "city on a hill" that day.
I think people read blogs, hoping and praying that the sad stories will wake them up from their life of apathy and wanting. It's like looking at a bad car wreck or watching scary movies. Why do we feel the need to look at the ugly of life, hoping that it will remind us of the beautiful?
LET ME WARN YOU... broken stories are just sad refrains without the LOVE OF JESUS. I started to see that I needed to search out HIS LOVE and HIS JOY, not focus on the issues of our squad or the issues of ministries, hoping God would show up in the midst. I wasted too many moments hiding in the junk so that my little peep of shining light would look brighter.
God has always pre-existed the stink of this world and He pre-exists yours, too! He has called YOU to go and make disciples! It's my hope that we as the body remember that we are not only called to the nations, but also called to each other. Our lives must be more than words, and believe it or not, God can and will sustain us for what He has called us to do!
I'm sorry that my selfishness led me to keep my struggles and victories to myself... moreover keeping God's great glory confined to those around me. The world needs to hear His conquests and it's up to us, the one's deemed as "more than conquerers" to testify and boast on His behalf.
Thank you for supporting me as you have, my family and my friends. I love you all SO dearly!!!
Okay
friends... I'm going off the grid till April! No posts, no contact, no
replies will be available! Keep your prayers flowing... we'll feel every
one!
Have you ever said a word so many times in a row, then after a while that word loses it's meaning and just becomes a sound??? Do it... say any word. Say your own name! Say it over, and over, and over again for a minute!
So? Yep. It's now just a meaningless collection of vibrations that came out of your throat and settled into your ears. The brain has heard it so many times in a row that it is now jaded to the importance of what that sound stands for... in essence... since there was no context, no signifier to bring contour, it became lost in translation.
Sometimes there are buzz words or phrases that float around our Christian communities that begin to sound like a repeated word that fades into just being a sound. One such phrase used by our squad has really been on my heart lately.
P-Squad has been prophesied over as a squad of Promise, Plenty, and Punctual (kidding about that last one). One word that has stood out in the past month is that we are a squad of PHREEDOM.
P IS FOR PHREEDOM.
We have used this word so much in the past few months, that I'm afraid I have lost the meaning of it in my life. I have found myself losing my ground in discipline. I can't sleep. I have had trouble doing things that allow me to feel the freedom to create, to laugh, and to love. Somewhere along the lines of loving God and loving people, the freedom that I embraced to do those things has become a droning noise that shows me no direction. Instead, it's ambient noise drowns my clarity of mind.
I heard a quote once...
Freedom is not the ability to choose what you want... it's the ability to choose which master you will serve.
We have the power to manipulate freedom for our own pleasure. We have the ability to make freedom our slave. We can turn our choice to follow God into a choice to make ourselves god.
We also have the power to turn our freedom into our obligation. God gave us the freedom to love each other with His heart by the sacrifice of His Son. When we rebel... when we section off God's people, deeming some more worthy or needing of love than others, we put chains on our freedom to love equally. We divide God's Kingdom by our own priorities.
On the race, we often cling to different identities to justify why we choose to not embrace freedom.
"I'm a introvert, I can't spend that much time with people... it's just not the way i was made."
"My love language is quality time... not receiving gifts. I just don't get love that way."
"I feel like my calling is to street ministry, that's why I spend such little time with family. It's not as big of a deal."
When did freedom become our excuse to not freely love?
Our lives lived within Christ gives meaning to the over-spoken word, "freedom". As a P-Squad team member and squad leader, I am declaring that P STANDS FOR PHREEDOM. My life will give meaning to this word in the context in which Jesus gave His life on the cross. I will embrace an identity not formed on the right to make a choice... instead I will embrace an identity that rests on the firm foundations of choosing to serve Christ.
I will wake up to my own funeral, dying to my rights to define freedom, dying to self and man made expectations placed on me and others, dying to the revolutions and flags devoted to a word lost in translation.
So live in the boldness that I have acquired within the last 30 minutes of writing this blog to ask yourself this question:
What have I made freedom to look like? What DOES it look like?
or more simply...
Where are the chains in my life? What is keeping me from freedom?
Our Jesus is waiting so patiently to show you His scars again. He wants to show His payment that He made for you, not to burden you, but to take that burden away. Release your shame. Release your failure. Let love and healing and purpose and life embrace you again! That's how chains are broken... they're broken by the hugs of Jesus. SOMEBODY MAKE A TSHIRT OUT OF THAT TRUTH!
Last thought:
Just now, I already feel a fresh breeze of hope. That's the funny thing about freedom, it allows us the ability of foresight. It's a momentum maker for our tomorrow! It's what keeps our feet floating back into the reality of "now". Both of these come from the redemption of yesterday. So there it is...
Freedom. The momentum we need for tomorrow. The gravity we need for today. The redemption we needed for our yesterday.
So. Read our blogs. Look at our pictures. Stalk our Facebooks. In doing these things... I hope you see the true face of PHREEDOM in P-Squad!
We all know that "asking" is something that is harder said than done, especially for Americans!!! The whole story about going next door to ask a neighbor for a cup of sugar??? FOLKTALE in this day and time. My generation has become proud when it comes to needing help from the Body of Christ....
SO...
to combat this... We have decided to spice up what asking for "help" really looks like!!!
ENJOY!
Kyla Cornelius, one of P-Squads esteemed squad leaders from the first 4 months of our journey on the field, is scheduled to fly out to Philippines at the end of February....
BUT!
Just like us on the field, she is completely dependent on SUPPORT RAISING! Currently, her account is barely out of the red. She needs to raise enough money to fly here and back from the states! CAN YOU HELP HER! By helping her, you are helping US!
Kyla has been a HUGE SUPPORT to me and the personal growth I have experienced on the field. She has sat with me on a curb in the Dominican Republic and shared my tears, she has asked me the hard questions that I was too scared to ask myself, she has taken the time to pray with me and disciple me into the calling that God has over my life...
...more simply said, Kyla has shown me what Jesus looks like and challenged me to look the same.
PLEASE consider supporting her in this time. Kyla Cornelius is a true pioneer for Christ!!! Thanks!
7 months ago, I stepped into a new realm that I did not expect upon my World
Race acceptance. My thoughts and expectations were not specific when I accepted
a call into the mission field. I knew having them would be foolish. As open as
I thought I was, I am finding that there have been deep seeded assumptions that
have been lying in the soil of my life. Each presumption acted as a dormant
land mine, threatening each step I take into the unknown. The Race has given me
the excuse to grow enough courage to brave dangerous territory and step on a
few bombs. God's grace just so happens to be one heck of a full metal
jacket.
I can't lie... I LOVE IT.
There's danger in civil warfare between you and you... your spirit vs. your
flesh. Literally, it's war within you. The enemy is always ready for
attack, God is steadily providing arms by His Word, there's healing, friendly
fire, and most of all... there's times to fight and times to rest to prepare
for the next battle. The "pre-race" Lia's relationship with the
Lord resembled more of a children's game of internal cowboys vs. indians. All
the danger was fake and fabricated, all the hurts were quickly patched up with
a tickle fight, and although my imagination was real enough... the warfare
always stopped when I wanted it to. I could run away from the fight to
comfortable places. I needed them to soothe the reality that maybe loving God
JUST MIGHT BE DANGEROUS.
The level of risk involved in trusting God bleeds a self-manufactured fear into
how we see His identity. So many people pass up Jesus because they think He's a
Gandhi wanna-be that preaches, "No war... it's way too dangerous".
Maybe it's because He's mistaken as a tyrant that wants to kick out every
gay/lesbian and pro-abortionist from His Presence because they aren't wearing
their righteousness robe. Even worse, I think some see Him as a democratic
president, taking a vote of the people as to how God should behave. Now, I read
these words and realize how ludicrous it sounds, but I wasn't always this way.
I think, in some aspect, I've viewed God in all these ways within me. For a
brief amount of time in my early years, God was a pacifist; I only saw the
things He liked about me because anything else would cause strife and ill
feelings... all the things that bring war. In high school, He was a tyrant. All
acts of non-uniformity would be treated as hostile environment. I
consider it as grotesque as the Holocaust. I thought my holiness (or actions
that made me holy) as the Germans, and all the nasty Jews that represent
failure must be "dealt with" accordingly. Then in college, democracy
ruled the land. I listened to all thoughts on God from a Christian point of
view, then began to piece my final ideas after accepting the most popular
votes. The danger was found in finding it out for myself. It's so much easier
to accept what someone else thinks. I know this all throws my
first-impression of holiness in the ditch a bit... but all I can say is that
its truth. Let's all put a handclap together and thank God that He's bigger
than my presumptions!
The past several months, I have declared war inside of myself. I've had to take
all that my skin says I know and throw it into the middle of the battle zone. I
feel like I should be playing with GI Joe's as I even write this blog... but
friends... the sooner we realize that the spiritual battle starts within US is
the point in time when we'll be more equipped to fight it among our families,
our communities, our nation and our world. The quickest way to dissolve a
movement is to have it internally combust and Satan is on a rampage between our
ears.
There's a song called "Poison and Wine" written by the band Civil
Wars (ironic, huh?). The lyrics can be heard in so many different ways. It's a
song that's written about a couple that have standing contradictions in their
relationship. "I wish you would hold me when I turn my back",
"your hands can heal, your hands can bruise", "your mouth is
poison, your mouth is wine", "I know everything you don't want me to".
The thought that our most treacherous evils can co-exist beside God's
magnificent grace still floors me. It's what the Civil Wars are explaining when
they sing to each other. We are capable of so much destruction, and most
likely, have already staked claim in that area as innocent as we pretend to be.
BUT. The war starts when we see that God has victory over ALL dominions, even
the neighborhoods that lie inside the walls of our cranium.
The most disturbing and freeing concept that I have learned during these months
of personal bloodshed is that God brings order to our chaos, and war is the
epitome of chaos. He invades us to bring the battle to our home turf. The
freeing part is that His peace over-rides all the junk. The disturbing part is
learning about all the chaos that can find residence inside myself.
SO. After this heavy, heavy blog... admit that there is a war inside of you. Go
ahead and say out loud that each day is a choice to allow God to assassinate you.
Raise the white flag of surrender and LET GOD WIN. It's not like we even have
to "let" Him... He actually already has! There's power in words,
though. Daily, I speak God's victory over my life to hear it echo in the room
and in my mind so that I know it's real. He is my Champion, my Savior, and my
God.
"...AND THE PEACE OF GOD, WHICH SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING, WILL GUARD
YOUR HEARTS AND YOUR MINDS IN CHRIST JESUS." -PHIL 4:7
This started as a letter to some AMAZING FRIENDS of mine serving Christ in the states. (shout out to VanGO ministries (i.e. Stacie and Jenna) and your states tour! Go get some Jesus, and give some while you're at it!) It transformed into a blog as God revealed a few things in my words. The beginning is what I'll be doing this month, the end begins one of MANY confessions that I will no doubt blog in the near future. MOTHERS, AUNTS, GRANDMAS, SISTERS, AND ALL YOU OTHER LADIES...
So, I'm working at a toddler house (orphanage). It's like a normal
house, really. Has a nice kitchen, little court yard, automatic gate
that keeps Satan out. There's a big boy room with two bunk beds and a
baby room where the other 5 younger kids sleep. Then there's my baby
small room that barely fits a bed (it's like Harry Potter's room under
the stairs minus the stairs, it's my own personal cubby hole!) and the big room where the Team Abundant Life sleeps. It's stacked with 6 bunk beds, and at
some point, I am determined to make signs to hang on the foot of each
one with one of the 7 dwarfs names on it. I'm deeming myself as Grumpy, seeing that my morning skills have lacked the proper dialogue (I may or may not still be working on my feedback skills).
I'm working the night shift. If I could go out and find some really
great janitor working overalls... I totally would. The name patch would
say Auntie Lia in a fancy cursive script. It would keep me from smelling
like stale tee tee and I'm sure that the blurp spots from boiling
porridge wouldn't be near as offensive to others. Instead, I'm sporting
the look (and smell) on one of my favorite shirts that has survived the
entire race, thus far. At this rate... the t-shirts future is looking dim.
Night shift is legit. I start at 6pm, bathe the little ones all at
one time in a little pastel colored tub. They play more than they bathe,
but it's SUPER cute because I can't seem to NOT put soap suds in there.
This makes all my personal baby pictures make sense. Little babies and bubbles
together make you automatically say, "Awwwwwww!". They have their night
snack, then I bathe the 3 bigger boys while the other little ones watch
the telly. After they're all clean, the little's go to bed at 7 and the
bigger boys 30 minutes later. During their awake hours, I'm juggling
changing diapers, putting on night clothes, sweeping and mopping the
floor and table area (we have an ant problem), and doing the dishes used
for snacks. One of the little ones gets a breathing treatment before
snooze time, but after that, I'm home free till about 5 the next
morning.
Morning is a little more fun, as I found last night. I accidentally
put the wrong nappies on 4 of the little ones. I woke up to find a soggy
mess in 3 of their beds. Thankfully, the ones that decided to totally
defile their nappies were wearing the better diaper. THANK YOU LORD. As
always, God gives me mercy in my folly. Besides having to wash their
sheets, it wasn't too bad of a mistake for myself. The part that breaks
my heart is the babies having to sleep in their tinkle all night. I
won't be doing THAT again. Anyways, as I wake up, I start cooking their
breakfast so it will be ready and dished up after the kids get up and
get changed. They go straight to breakfast, then to the living area to
either watch a worship video (the best way to start the day) or Toy
Story 3 (an amiable alternative). I finish up by making beds, washing
linens, hanging laundry, cleaning the kitchen, and finally... handing
off day duty to the two Aunties on shift.
Afterwards, the real work begins. I took night-shift to free the day
time up for squad leading necessities. Before, when I tried to juggle
being on the baby rotation for day shift and squad leading, it was
torture for everyone. I had to frequently leave to make internet stops
for emails and buying minutes to get phone calls going. God had other
plans for me though. One of the Aunties had to cover another's shift
during the day, which in turn, left two weeks of night shift open. The
reason me and Team Abundant Life are here is to save the orphanage
money, among other things. They have to contract out their helpers if there are shifts open.
So, in classic God fashion, He put my logistical problem and the
orphanages money problem together to complete each others' need so we could love Jesus efficiently.
Thanks God. You're pretty much a genius.
There has been
worry about not getting enough rest, but do you know what I think about
that??? My grandparents have outworked me for 24 years... almost 10 of
those were in their 70's. Our generation does not know the meaning of
work. If they think they do, it's totally scarred by their high opinions
of themselves. (Not hating on us young guns... but we have a LOT to learn!). The past few months have given me a heavy dosage of
humility and a strong booster shot of "get over yourself". I'm pumped.
For once in my life, I see that I MUST BE IN NEED FOR GOD TO PROVIDE FOR
ME! I say this within reason. No need to test the Lord... but,
situations that are beyond us call for super natural solutions. This
just may be one of them as far as energy is concerned.
THESE ARE MY CONFESSIONS... (I know you're singing the song...)
I have continued to learn more and more about myself as I "auntie" these kids. It's a never ending lesson. When I was a teacher in the states, I would love kids all day through discipline, encouragement, reprimand, advising... then as I would lay in bed, the Lord would surface all the lessons I gave to my students in myself. He became the teacher and coach for me as I was to my kids during the day. Needless to say, the next day I usually did some apologizing (to 5th graders!) or some bragging about how cool God is. Leading the squad has been no different.
These babies have spawned numerous lessons and parallels spoken from God's mouth to my Spirit. I've been called out on my heart by God more than I've changed dirty nappies (that's A LOT!). God hasn't been easy with me, either. He's really kept my heart in check with how I see others and what instigates me to love them.
I tend to
be innately emotional. It's a blessing because my passion for my people explodes with it, but at times it has clouded my view of the reality of who others
really are at heart. Disappointment, frustration, worry, and other such
things are grown out of emotional reactions. Now, I'm moving into an
era where God is refining the way I process with my people. The key
word there was "with". When you sit WITH someone in their junk, you're
forced to smell it, making you just as uncomfortable...
Like me and the babies. Their crap bothers the heck out of me. I
HATE the smell of rancid kid poop. So, I have to make it my problem. I began to have to take it personally, or else I wouldn't go through the pains of
cleaning them up. I can justify this too.... "I JUST changed them, and I
don't want to waste that diaper. They can sit a little longer." OR "let
me just go take care of these things, first." OR "I'll wait till one of
the other Aunties smell it so they'll take care of it... Nobody knows if I
don't say anything!". Unfortunately, my own selfishness led me to serve them. I know... those thoughts are terrible. They're
real, though. The worst part about thinking that way is that MY SELFISHNESS dictated if the baby was going to sit in their own worst nightmares (besides the
Boogie Man, of course). Praise God that He's moved my heart into a deeper place. What started with selfishness has blossomed into a heart that see's a babies' disposition as my joy and gladness to serve. I can't even stomach the woman I was at the beginning of this month... in a good way, of course.
This is the same as squad leading and living in ANY community. There are things that are
straight undesirable, and at times, I would rather wait them out or pass
them off to someone else. In the end, it results in a dirty, fussy baby
that was MUCH worse than before... and... its super hard to change a
fussy baby verses one that is happy. Amen or Oh Me, Mothers????
I look forward to two more precious weeks with these kids. Asia is on us fast, God is providing the last $11,000-ish dollars by YOUR HANDS of faithful giving, and I glanced at a calender and noticed there's only 4 months left of this rollercoaster.
I don't want it to end... and the best part is... it doesn't have to.
A few months ago, Joshua Maisner
(fellow squad leader) told me about a dream over a nice, African breakfast. In
the dream, we were listening to a team talk about their issues during a debrief
meeting. Each time someone spoke, all he kept saying was “keep it simple,
stupid”. Eventually, the team had enough. One of them quickly stepped away,
called our AIM staff back in the states, and eventually Joshua was sent home
for using that phrase. (I think he even used it when asked what's for supper?
Not appropriate. He knows this.)
Welp. If we were still in the
dream, I would need to go pack my bags because every time I try to write a
blog, I get a whole page written, then God says to me KEEP IT SIMPLE. He
doesn't call me stupid, though. Thanks for being polite, Jesus! So, in the
spirit of the night… I started asking myself a few questions…
How often do we complicate God?
How frequently do we talk about Him as if He's untouchable and hardly tangible?
How many times a day do we make His ultimate will and desire a mystery?
WHY DO WE DO THIS?
I can't tell you why you do this, but I know a few reasons
why I do…
1)Sometimes, I really don't think love is enough.
If life was as simple as “loving your neighbor”, there would be no room for me
to make it complicated.It would
mean that grace is real and I would have to give it out as well as accept it.
It would zap all my justifications that I've built brick by brick. If
justification builds walls, the walls keep my arguments guarded because Love must be complicated so I can be
justified. Love conquers all and leaves us naked of our defenses.
2)At times, I think my knowledge is more realistic
than God's truth. If I can't understand how God can absorb all my failures and
still love me, then it can't possibly be realistic for me to do that for
someone else! Grace is unrealistic when weighed by our logic. I must have my own understanding of how something
works so that I can manufacture it within myself. When I can't understand, my
doubt assassinates my faith.God
doesn't need our knowledge. It is not required, nor is it desired. Knowledge
and logic are man-made but Truth derives from Christ's character.
3)Most of the time, I just want to know His will
for MY life. What is MY place in His
Kingdom? How can I serve? What can I DO? Each question I ask that sounds as if
it's about God is really about ME. I want to know MY gifts, MY talents, MY
desires to be effective for Him. Maybe
it's not about me. Maybe God uses these things for those that are for HIS
purpose, but how can He when I'm so cross-eyed from looking at myself! God is a
lot less of a mystery when I stop talking about myself and listen to Him for a while.
I don't think any of us would want to come out and say:
Love really isn't enough to cure cancer, poverty, or my
cousin's shame from having an affair on his wife…
OR
I think my logic makes much more sense in this situation
than having faith…
OR
I made MY career being a Christian, working 9 to 5 loving
and serving people, given that it pays really well and I get over-time for all
my extra hours.
We wouldn't come out and say these things, but is our life
saying it without our mouths having to form the words?
That's my question to myself.
When I am justified in being super angry at another Racer,
do I believe that God's love for His son/daughter will correct them and that
they don't need my judgment to swoop in and save the day? Yes! Love is enough.
I am in need of grace just as much as I am in need of giving it.
When my knowledge is not sufficient and I DON'T know what to
think when someone asks me about Revelation and the “End Times” and how / when
/ what it will be like when Jesus comes back… will I choose to have faith
anyway? Yes! Knowledge, theology, and logic do not hold a candle's light to
truth, faith, and love.
When I am searching for my own identity, will I desire to seek
God more than I do myself?YES!
The more I learn God's character, the more I see my true design.
Simple answers such as LOVE, FAITH, and TRUTH refute the
junk of our lives. They throw the center stage light off of us and on to God.
It is totally the OPPOSITE of the culture we live in. I think its Roosevelt
that told us “pick our self up by our boot straps“ during the end of our
depression. John Mayer sings that my generation is “waiting on the world to
change”.Even our law has the
“bill of rights” that says we are ENTITLED to certain things.All of this… it all reeks of
self-service. It robs us of our God-sight.
All I'm trying to say is…
I have made God complicated, but His love is big enough
to bring my chaos into order. I am no longer in the business of projecting the
tangled depths of my issues as the intricacy of God's love.If this were Joshua's dream, and he
just read this blog… He would give me the best advice that I could ask for…
Keep It Simple, Stupid.
(Joshua, don't you dare think that you can call me stupid and get away with it.)
In South Africa, there is a people group called Africaans. They are some of the most forward, raw people you'll ever meet. In fact, one couple even dared to say this statement about their people. "There's nothing you can say that will offend a South African." SO... In the spirit of South Africa... I will spell out exactly what I'm trying to say...
P-SQUAD NEEDS SOME MONEY IN THE BANK.
Team Abundant Life has put together a little video to help drive in our desire for the FULL FUNDAGE of our squad! We don't plan on sitting and waiting for God to provide, WE PLAN ON DANCING BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAS!!! It is our desire to do God's ultimate will... to love Him and love His people! He will provide for His work... so thank you for joining Him in it by providing us with what we need to press on!
